Oh, hey there, stranger! Did you miss me?
I know, I know, — it’s been a while since I’ve shown my face around these parts of town. Over the last month or so, I’ve started to notice that I’ve been struggling to find my own voice; the whole process of putting words together has proven to be a challenge for me. & if you even know me in the slightest, you understand how weird that is for someone who, like me, usually doesn’t shut up.
When I left campus in the beginning of May, I thought I had the entire layout of my ideal summer locked down. I would be returning to my position as a swim coach for the summer season with my favorite kiddos, there weren’t any school projects or exams to study for, & I would finally have the time to fully devote myself to my blog. Well, my life did somewhat of a flip-flop & my summer hasn’t exactly gone as planned — & that totally threw me off my game. I think, in a way, my method of coping with sudden change in my (& wow, huge emphasis on MY!) plans is to kinda seclude myself from others & various outlets. I’ve dealt with severe anxiety & depression throughout college, & those struggles have lead me to cope with these sorts of things in that way. When something doesn’t quite go as I planned, my mind likes to start messing with me & often, I begin to doubt myself & allow my insecurities to takeover within my head. I would question every Instagram that I would post, write & re-write posts on here only to leave the waiting in the drafts, & deleting creations out of frustration with their imperfections.
There’s probably going to be a blog post that details my struggles with mental health, but this is totally not it. I just wanted to be a little more transparent on why I haven’t exactly been creating content like I want to, instead of just brushing it off like I’ve been so incredibly busy or something. Sometimes you’re way too hard on yourself when you find something that you love & drive yourself crazy trying to make it perfect.
WITH ALL THAT BEING SAID, THE MONTH OF AUGUST IS REFRESHING SHIFT.
After two months of a mental, physical, & honestly, emotional break from several factors of my life, I’m excited to tackle the month of August head-on. There’s a waning gibbous moon tonight, which is the first phase of the moon following a full moon. To me, this signals a re-start & a plethora of opportunities for growth, change, & creation.
Next week I’ll be moving in to a brand new house in Oxford, Mississippi with four of my sweetest friends to begin my senior year at the University of Mississippi, where I’ve been studying print journalism the last three years. I get to start with an entirely clean slate —a new room to decorate & make my own, new teachers to learn from, & new memories to make as I begin to write the end of a challenging chapter of my life. I’m excited & scared, but that’s normal, right? It’s taking the steps into the unknown again, so it’s only natural to feel that way.
I know these posts aren’t the most interesting, or really even the reason why you’re subscribed to this blog, but it means a lot to me emotionally to have an outlet to write all of these thoughts down. Reality is nowhere near what I post on social media, & I think it’s good to be able to take a step back from that, understand that while it may look way cooler, that’s not how things are everyday. Sure, I look somewhat put together on your feed, but trust me, half the time when I’m posting those photos, I’m sitting in my bed, with a two-sizes-too-big t-shirt with a hole in the armpit, & a pair of Nike shorts I’ve had since 11th grade. I probably put makeup on once a week, sometimes not even that. Let’s embrace the reality of our reality, because honestly, if I keep dodging it, I’ll go crazy.
I love creating content; I love putting on a face of makeup & piecing together an outfit to tell a story — but, I love my sanity & my time spent offline, too. I guess, really, what I’m trying to get at here is almost like a physical reminder to myself that, in the future, when I experience these same emotions again, it’s okay to feel that way & I’m allowed to take a step back from it all for awhile. So, here’s to new adventures, a new (soon-to-becoming) website design, & a brand new batch of content for Velvet Indigos! ttyl, babes!